It’s so odd; still. I went through a program for psychology, and even there I hated the question “How do you feel?” But there I was, “How does that make you feel?” like a good little boy. Today, I asked my student a variation on that question even though I know there isn’t a real answer for it. Before I left, I was asked the same question myself and when I’d returned I was asked it again. I didn’t have an answer. What is the answer anyway? At work, I’m trained/expected to ask how are you today? I think it’s ruined the question. Because now we have to a positive answer at all times. Like it’s just natural to go around being okay all the time. And if your not and you say it, that really blows their mind. Customers ask me and every once in a while I’m too tired of the game to lie. Usually their faces drop and it’s just a total suprise not to hear something different.
I’ve come from the land where it’s not okay to not feel. I’ve grown up around a lot of feeling people. And for a while I beleived in it. But I’m fast losing my faith. I exist, and I go forward, but I’m not sure I have to feel all the time. It’s especially odd when someone expects me to feel something that really only they can feel. “Why can’t you be happy for me? Like it is somehow my responsibility to feel the happiness about their life for them. Or worse, that my inability or lack of desire to do so is somehow damaging to them. I’ve seen faces drop and had people mad at me for not willingly participating in their rather individual joy. I liken it to “How do I look?” because a secure person rarely asks this question, and I just find myself unable to give unrealistic insight. I know so much, I shouldn’t have to give out platitudes.
Maybe it’s a defense, but my answer is “Fuck you, please.” Because it’s my perogative to be defensive if that’s where I’m at. Had they stopped to consider it, then it would become obvious we do what we do so that we live. If we did differently, then perhaps we wouldn’t. It’s a bit anthropic really, because if we all allowed ourselves to be overcome with emotion all the time it would not always be pleasent. There is gritty, dirty, and evil emotion as well. Those of us just being, and not really feeling much of anything are possibly doing the world a favor at the moment.
I think I’ll try to not find myself asking this question anymore. Even how’s it going is too icky. What’s wrong with “Hi”? Because if you really care, then you’d know something more specific than how do you feel? And if you were really inclined to know the depths that question is capable of plumbing, then you probably wouldnt’ throw it around so much. If you’re dying for some sort of connection, this isn’t the right way.
Ironically, in the end, I feel not neccesarily what’s in me, but what’s in you. And some people are incredibly loud, shouting every single impulse of anxiety my direction. I’ve had to leave rooms because I was feeling too much. I’m not sure they are even feeling it, though they may say they are. I think they are really just throwing it away so they can pretend it’s okay, when I know very well it isn’t. I’m pretty happy feeling just. Just is a good place to be. Being is good too. Things might be smoother if we all stopped trying to feel something all the time. Happiness should be treasured when it’s really there, and not called upon whenever there is a hint of the positive. I’m never goint to be happy about a new outfit, or that you did something you should have done, or were always capable of. I’ll be supportive if you need some direction or even just a hug. But let’s not call that happiness, shall we?
And the oddest bit; I’m really never that sad or depressed. Yet when I fail to smile, when I actually accept that every day isn’t amazing based on content alone, I think everyone gets worried and obsseses about what’s wrong. But I don’t think it’s for my sake. I think it’s mostly for theirs. See, they want to fix it so I’ll get better. I break the facade, and that’s scary. Though I understand they mean well, it doesn’t automatically excuse it. That last beat fits into another problem, but there is a truth universal of it’s situation. If we continue to exuse shallow and uniformed thinking, they will never change. It’s more elitist to spread sympathy than to stand against the tide. Pretending you don’t see beyond them hurts everyone. Calling it out may only hurt one person. So I may understand, but I’m done excusing. It’s time to evolve, catch up, please.
