darkly dreaming

It’s so odd; still. I went through a program for psychology, and even there I hated the question “How do you feel?” But there I was, “How does that make you feel?” like a good little boy. Today, I asked my student a variation on that question even though I know there isn’t a real answer for it. Before I left, I was asked the same question myself and when I’d returned I was asked it again. I didn’t have an answer. What is the answer anyway? At work, I’m trained/expected to ask how are you today? I think it’s ruined the question. Because now we have to a positive answer at all times. Like it’s just natural to go around being okay all the time. And if your not and you say it, that really blows their mind. Customers ask me and every once in a while I’m too tired of the game to lie. Usually their faces drop and it’s just a total suprise not to hear something different.

I’ve come from the land where it’s not okay to not feel. I’ve grown up around a lot of feeling people. And for a while I beleived in it. But I’m fast losing my faith. I exist, and I go forward, but I’m not sure I have to feel all the time. It’s especially odd when someone expects me to feel something that really only they can feel. “Why can’t you be happy for me? Like it is somehow my responsibility to feel the happiness about their life for them. Or worse, that my inability or lack of desire to do so is somehow damaging to them. I’ve seen faces drop and had people mad at me for not willingly participating in their rather individual joy. I liken it to “How do I look?” because a secure person rarely asks this question, and I just find myself unable to give unrealistic insight. I know so much, I shouldn’t have to give out platitudes.

Maybe it’s a defense, but my answer is “Fuck you, please.” Because it’s my perogative to be defensive if that’s where I’m at. Had they stopped to consider it, then it would become obvious we do what we do so that we live. If we did differently, then perhaps we wouldn’t. It’s a bit anthropic really, because if we all allowed ourselves to be overcome with emotion all the time it would not always be pleasent. There is gritty, dirty, and evil emotion as well. Those of us just being, and not really feeling much of anything are possibly doing the world a favor at the moment.

I think I’ll try to not find myself asking this question anymore. Even how’s it going is too icky. What’s wrong with “Hi”? Because if you really care, then you’d know something more specific than how do you feel? And if you were really inclined to know the depths that question is capable of plumbing, then you probably wouldnt’ throw it around so much. If you’re dying for some sort of connection, this isn’t the right way.

Ironically, in the end, I feel not neccesarily what’s in me, but what’s in you. And some people are incredibly loud, shouting every single impulse of anxiety my direction. I’ve had to leave rooms because I was feeling too much. I’m not sure they are even feeling it, though they may say they are. I think they are really just throwing it away so they can pretend it’s okay, when I know very well it isn’t. I’m pretty happy feeling just. Just is a good place to be. Being is good too. Things might be smoother if we all stopped trying to feel something all the time. Happiness should be treasured when it’s really there, and not called upon whenever there is a hint of the positive. I’m never goint to be happy about a new outfit, or that you did something you should have done, or were always capable of. I’ll be supportive if you need some direction or even just a hug. But let’s not call that happiness, shall we?

And the oddest bit; I’m really never that sad or depressed. Yet when I fail to smile, when I actually accept that every day isn’t amazing based on content alone, I think everyone gets worried and obsseses about what’s wrong. But I don’t think it’s for my sake. I think it’s mostly for theirs. See, they want to fix it so I’ll get better. I break the facade, and that’s scary. Though I understand they mean well, it doesn’t automatically excuse it. That last beat fits into another problem, but there is a truth universal of it’s situation. If we continue to exuse shallow and uniformed thinking, they will never change. It’s more elitist to spread sympathy than to stand against the tide. Pretending you don’t see beyond them hurts everyone. Calling it out may only hurt one person. So I may understand, but I’m done excusing. It’s time to evolve, catch up, please.

I just found this amazing group, originally four cellos, now three plus a drummer. Well worth a look. Their first album was a cover of Metalica with the grungy guitar type distortion added to the cello. It works much better now they’ve added the drummer, and there are a few songs that I am pretty well fooled into believing this is a metal band. There’s the slight classy effect of bowing though that adds a new layer to it. I can see them being the underpinning for the soundtrack to Forgotten. I always imagined something like a rock opera as the genre of music to back up the movie. This is totally the group to pull that off too. Their latest album, Worlds Collide, features the lead singers of Ramstien and Three Days Grace. It’s tight. Not exactly Nine Inch Nails, but with the help of additional instrumentals from other rock groups, they would be perfect for what I want. And they’re worth the twenty bucks to pick up a couple of their albums from iTunes.

I was watching Transformers, and my friend mentioned to me how epic the score was. I had really like it since the first time I saw the movie in theaters, it was just a perfect fit for a summer blockbuster, but also inventive in its own way. When my friend made the comment, I retorted that I wish they would put out the score more often, and as much as I love the soundtrack from the movie, I also like the motifs and background tracks as well; Star Wars, Indiana Jones, E.T. etc. So I’m cruising through Amazon and there it is. The cover art drew me in too. It’s the same picture as they used for a promo poster at Borders, that I now happen to own. I had to buy it of course. So glad that I did too, it is amazing as ever. There is some repetition, but most of it is the small suite of motifs that the composer put together for each of the main moods of the film. After that it’s the tracks that underscore each of the epic scenes. I used it to meditate the other night, I used it while I was brainstorming, and I used it to just relax and read philosophy. Totally amazing, totally recommended. 

Just a small note really. This is the piece I usually think of as the Halloween piece. Actually what got me thinking about it was the use of the Organ in Pirates of the Caribbean II, which I didn’t particularly like as a movie, but I did love the Gothic theme making an emergence for the character of Davy Jones. It brings back the original Phantom of the Opera, playing away at the steaming organ with some sinister yet macabre love tune floating away from it. Naturally I wanted to see how the soundtrack had played it out, and I have only caught glimpses of it at my previous employer, Borders. iTunes is of course very unhelpful since it only focuses on the music box part of the theme, rather than giving me any inclination as to the full nature of the organ itself.

Alas. And that’s when I remembered my favorite piece for Halloween. The introduction to which I was given by an acquaintance of mine from La Canada Presbyterian Church, and organist by the name of Kemp. Strictly speaking this Toccata is not for Halloween, but does of course seem to fit nicely with the role that the organ has taken in American consciousness.

I love the organ, and currently I play at the Lake Hills Church in Lake Forest, Ca; where Martin Gershwitz is our organist. Every Sunday he improvises the postlude. It is really awesome to behold. I love him dearly, but was just talking to my best friend earlier and realized that I missed Kemp in that he played pieces, and I always felt like I got a bit of a musical education whenever I heard him play.

It seems a rather odd mixture, but when the handbells are combined with the Organ, the effect is quite amazing. There is something about the raging overtones that creates an odd effect. Most instruments are limited in their series. More pure in a way, such as the brass choir’s ability to tune instinctively abandoning the constraints of tempered tuning all together. Yet, when you get the bells and their extreme series of over tones together with massively vibrating columns of air, it is quite exhilarating.

The odd part is that I despise playing with organ when I am on trombone. The tendency of the instrument to tune as it plays is annoying. I don’t have perfect pitch, but I do have a very definite sense of relative pitch. When I listen to the radio, I can hear the dramatic shift in keys between songs. Often when a song begins very softly, without much tonal centering, I receive a shock when the key is made evident through a resolution. Which is somewhat beside the point.

At some point in all of this I meant to recommend listening to this piece. I am somewhat horrible about liking only particular movements of pieces, absent their whole work. But my eclectic tastes satisfy my soul, and I shall not take much abuse for it. I looked over the iTunes availabilities, and wasn’t extremely impressed with the selection from a sound point of view. I don’t like halls that swallow the bass or the treble. And particular instruments don’t have a pleasing tone. I am still debating which recording to buy, but all the same, this french development of the toccata idea is worth a listen.